Here's a laugh!

I have been sorting out old papers in my office on the instruction of my daughter. Quite right, too - for I cannot leave the job to my family when I go to the editorial offices in the sky. Amongst the piles (and I mean piles!) I came across two sheets of A4 with the following material. I will use extracts in the St. Peter's BROADSHEET when there is a need for fillers - but you may have a preview. If you are able to reach the end without laughing, please see your GP - urgently, I would suggest.

Extracts from letters of application received by the Milk Office and the Pensions Office for free milk. I am assured that these extracts are true, but I have not been able to investigate their accuracy. Some appear in the recording by Gerard Hoffnung speaking at the Oxford Union in 1958. I have the LP and a Tape - but you can listen - as I often do when I need cheering up - on YOUTUBE.

Please send me a form for cheap milk as I am expecting mother.

Please send me a form for the supply of milk for having children at reduced prices.

Please send me a form for cheap milk. I have a baby two months old and did not know anything about it until a friend told me.

I intended coming to the milk office but I have fifteen children.

I have one child nearly two years old and am looking forward to an increase in November. Hoping this meets with your approval.

I have a baby two months old, fed entirely on cows, and another four months old.

I cannot get sick pay. I have six children, can you tell me why?

This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

My friend has no clothes and I have had none for a year, but the clergy have been visiting us here.

In reply to your letter, I have cohabited with your officers so far without result.

Unless I get my husband’s money, I shall have to live an immortal life.

I am sending my marriage lines and six children. I have seven and one died which was baptised on half a sheet of notepaper by the Revd Thomas.

Please send my money at once as I have fallen in error with my landlord.

In answer to your letter, I have given birth to ten children. Is this satisfactory?

You have changed my little boy into a girl. Will it make any difference?

I have no children as my husband is a bus driver and works all night and day.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Milk is wanted for the baby and father cannot supply it.

I want my money as soon as you can send it. I have been in bed with the doctor for a week and he does not seem to be doing me any good. If this does not improve I shall have to get another doctor.