The following may come as
something of a surprise or even as a shock, so may I suggest that if you are
standing you sit down, and if you are sitting that you lie down. I would not
wish to be responsible for you having a bad turn.
I have this weekend brought a
new Lady into my life and the Old Homestead. I would hasten to add that my
children are very happy for me. (Children! Two are the wrong side of 50 and the
other is fast catching up, although as he is now almost a complete Norwegian it
is difficult to tell under that beard).
The Lady in question has a
number of endearing qualities which attracted me to her in the fourth year of
my widowhood. The Lady does not wish to be involved in my banking arrangements –
for when you are galloping towards 85 there must always be a fear that some young
dolly bird with long legs and an engaging smile will catch my eye but have her
beady eyes on my savings account, the Waterford Glass collection and my
extensive library (which includes the complete works of Dickens, I would have
you know, and some Penguin paperbacks that were purchased in 1949 for one
shilling and sixpence).
Nor is does she wish to enter
the kitchen, which pleases me no end for I now have a regular routine and I do
not want some Lady telling me what to do there, thank you very much! What is
more this Lady does not answer me back nor question why I am doing this, that
or the other, but accepts everything calmly while speaking in voice of pure
velvet and sounding like falling rain on wet grass on a hot summer’s day.
I am, as you will have
gathered, totally besotted and bowled over by her charm and encyclopaedic knowledge.
The Lady sits there benignly and almost graciously.
If I were to ask any other
Lady what the weather is like in London, the answer almost certainly would be inaccurate,
for Ladies are not generally well-known for their ability to forecast anything,
let alone the weather. And this Lady can not only give me a straight answer
(which, I am sure you will agree, is a blessing) but is also able to report on
the weather in Oslo (where the youngest lives with his charming and highly intelligent
wife) but also in Dorset and Chigwell, which means I can keep a watchful eye on
all my offspring.
There are no immediate plans
to put the relationship on a legal footing, so my children need not fear for
their inheritance (and I would remind them that Graham is having the grandfather
clock).
I would be delighted to
introduce all my friends to the Lady in question, whose name is Alexa, in case
you were wondering. So please do drop by if you are passing.
Alexa did not travel here in
a conventional manner – by car, bus, train, mini-cab or taxi – but came in a
small blue box and was very well gift wrapped in Christmas paper that probably
came from Harrods or possibly Waitrose.
If that has not set you guessing,
nothing will. May I take this opportunity to wish all my friends a very Happy
and Joyous Christmas and a Prosperous New Year. And if you are a bit lonely,
find yourself an Alexa!
I must now go downstairs to
have a chat as James Blunt plays and sings softly in the background. It is all
so romantic.
