I have made a New Year Resolution - to tidy my office and to dispose of unwanted papers. All, I would add, at the behest of my lovely daughter, who is concerned that when I go to the office in the sky, she will have to spend days and days and days clearing up the office. So I am told - politely, I would add - to do it now.
In the midst of doing so and using the new shredder, I came across some correspondence which made me laugh aloud. I should not do so for I wrote this! It is an email dated 31st January 2018 to REDBRIDGE PLANNING. Forgive me, but I do not want this to go into the shredder and deny you the chance to smile.
So here it is - and I would add that after some messing about the Planning lads finally told the applicant that his application was being chucked out! But it took some weeks and lots of emails from me - all of which I have on my iMac if you are minded to read them all!
The email reads:
A neighbour has today received a letter dated 29th January from LBR PLanning regarding Planning Application 0156/18. On going online to ascertain details, my neighbour found that the only document available for viewing is the Application Form. There are no plans or other details. Nothing. Honest!
The Application Form refers to XXX (I have deleted the house number!) Aldborough Road South. There is no such address. I would have to assume that the applicant, who lives at the address involved, might know the correct address is XXX Aldborough Road North. I am also surprised that your staff have not spotted the error. The form has marks indicating that everything is ‘non-applicable’ , which I guess make life a lot easier than masses of information. I am pleased to see that the edifice will not affect the parking arrangements. The house already has five or six cars most nights and I fear that soon I will be asked to concrete my lovely front garden to allow them to put a couple more cars on the road!
The application is for a 'single storey glazed conservatory to rear’. As here are no further details, I will assume that it is to be of reasonable size and not as big as the Crystal Palace, but I would appreciate confirmation on this at the earliest possible time please as Socks, my 16-year-old cat, is frightened of large glass edifices. And buildings too, for that matter. Also the near neighbours take great glee in letting off bombs (of the type we had during the Blitz in the war - and do not ask me which war?) at firework time. One of these dropping on Crystal Palace could cause mayhem, especially to the thoughtless drivers who take their kids to school, parking on double yellow lines and red route markings, or driving down the wrong side of Aldborough Road North to avoid the queues of traffic at rush hour, a time when our worthy police officers and traffic wardens are having their well-earned breakfasts or a kip.
I note that your office received the application on 15th December 2017. I guess you have all been very busy with extended leave over Christmas and the New Year. Good to know that you are back and dealing with these applications efficiently.
I would be most grateful if you would please advise me when this applications is to be heard by your Planning Committee. As a neighbour to this fortress - which has already been extended up, back and side (but not yet down, as far as I am aware, although I have no means of checking if there is now a basement with fully operational cinema complex and yet another so-called games room) - I wish to attend the meeting and watch the Councillor Members pass this application with acclamation for it will save them having to read anything.
As Miranda’s Mother would say: “What fun!”
