To Whom It May Concern
I do solemnly
and sincerely declare and affirm that, following leaking of the Panama Papers
as reported in the GRUNDIAN and the BBC, and the malicious rumours circulating
in the environs of Aldborough Hatch, that I have no cash or shares stashed away
either offshore, onshore or inshore (nor buried in the sand thereof and thereby).
Nor do I
have cash on which I have not paid tax stored under the bed, in the bed or
around the bed (nor in the airing cupboard or the shed-with-the-overhang)
Furthermore and notwithstanding, I declare that I am not the beneficiary of any income resulting from investments made by my late Father offshore, onshore or inshore. I am, however, fully cognisant with the fact that my late Father had the sum of four pounds, ten shilling and ninepence three farthings invested in the Christmas Club at the Pig and Whistle, Islington, until my late Mother found out and blew the lot on Gin and Orange, which was her favourite tipple, whilst my late Father drowned his sorrows in a Guinness or three, and we children had an orange and nuts in the old socks that they hung at the foot of their beds on Christmas Eve.
I would,
therefore, be grateful if those who are putting these stories about would
please take a walk along the A12 facing the oncoming traffic. Should the
rumours persist, I will have no alternative but to instruct my Solicitors,
Humble, Bumble and Trumble, whose fees are scarcely creditable and are based in
the Cayman Islands, in case you are wondering (but mind your own business for these are private matters).
Ron (I-know-which-side-my-bread-is-buttered)
Jeffries
