Yes, a
new FREE publication is about to go into production from the Ron Jeffries
Publications stable! Under the Title Coping with Old People, with the
sub-title A Guide for Young People written by an Old Person, this sets
out to offer an easy to read selection of helpful hints for Young People on how
to cope with the ever increasing population of Old People.
Indeed,
the BBC must start to take the blame for some of this for during the past week
a new two-part series on BBC One found Angela Ripon crossing her legs, sitting
down and getting up again - all without using her hands - as part of a
programme to help us all to get older more easily.
This is
all very well, let it be said, but as more and more Old People populate this
green and pleasant land, Young People will need a hand in dealing with them
(us) for we (I) can be cantankerous, annoying, irascible and downright
difficult.
And so I
have come to their rescue with a 16-page booklet which I am publishing privately
here at the Old Homestead and printing on my brand new Epson Stylus Photo 1500W
(which prints in colour up to A3 but this booklet is A5 and black and white). Furthermore, it is
being given away free for if I charge I have to involve the Tax Man and that
has its own complications which produce stress (and at my age I am not to be
stressed under any circumstances).
This
joins three other FREE booklets - all of 16-pages - under the titles:
Fables for
the twenty-first century
Dancing in
the Rain
Yet more
Dancing in the Rain
I am reliably informed that the earlier three
booklets produced some chuckling, smiles and even hilarity in some quarters. So
we can but hope that Coping will hit similar pressure points.
To whet your appetite, I will append herewith and
heretofore a brief extract. If you wish to have your own personal copy of Coping,
please contact me during daylight hours, but not between 9pm and 5am for Socks
and I like to sleep in that time of darkness.
The following is from Chapter 3 - Buses
It
is at the approach of a bus – or three, if they happen to enjoy travelling in
convoy, which many do – that the Young Person needs to be alert and ready for
anything that might be thrown at them. Whilst waiting for the bus to arrive,
the Old Person may be either asleep (or seemingly so) or engaged in murmured
dialogue with another Old Person, giving the impression that they are frail and
comely and kindly beings. This will all change in an instant (or the twinkling
of an eye, as they say) as a bus draws up and flings open its doors.
Here
Old People exert the rights that they firmly believe come with Old Age, moving
with frightening speed at a rate of knots to the front of any queue, elbowing
out of their way anyone who dares to impede their progress toward the open door
of the bus. Clambering aboard with much huffing and puffing, the Old Person
will then begin the ritual search for the Freedom Pass. Men will feel in outer
garment pockets, struggle to unzip so that inner recesses may also be examined
– only to find that they have the pass in their hand all the time, Silly Billies
that they are, to be sure!
Searching
for the Freedom Pass will take Old Ladies much, much longer. They will delve
into voluminous handbags, fishing amongst purses, wallets, lipsticks, makeup
bags, tissues (both unused and used), packets of opened biscuits, toffees,
bingo cards, carrier bags – before remembering that the Freedom Pass is in
their shopping bag all the time. Why, I ask myself so often, is it that Old
People do not have their Freedom Pass handy before they board the bus?
